| I feel regret in every fiber of my being |
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| 09:04pm 18/04/2003 |
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mood:  crushed music: kittie - do you think i'm a whore
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I ruin everything. Every relationship, Friendship, every everything.
I ruin other peoples lives.
I hate myself. my parents are right, i'm just a fuck up.
You know those people that only cry when shits gone down that they can't stop.
I ruined austins friendship with devon. I ruined devons friendship with kira and austin. I ruined my friendship with austin. I ruined my friendship with kira.
I ruin peoples friendships faster than i age.
If they read this. I want them to know how sorry i am.
Sorry for lying.
Sorry for telling.
Sorry for trusting that when someone says they wont tell.
sorry for my distruction |
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| I hate having to hide who i am |
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| 02:26pm 11/04/2003 |
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mood:  irate music: distillers--red carpet and rebellion
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Why can't they accept me for who i am. Just lie to everyone and say i choose to be this way. When in fact, they make me act this way. I secretive ploy to make them look better. I'm so fucking angry right now, i can't type. |
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| and they jumped.. and there was no splash.. why? because they forgot about the rocks |
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| 08:29pm 02/04/2003 |
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mood:  accomplished music: the IM thing that i forgot to turn off
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Dude, the dance. I get to go. I'm happy. I didn't get out of bed till 5 today. it was great, but then again, i didn't go back to bed until about 2, because i had to work. That's right, i work. Caitlin got a job. that pays. Isn't that just shocking. yeah it is isn't it.
well, i'm off to bask in the glory of a paycheck. that's right, a paycheck.
peace |
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| yeah, and you'll never even know it's me |
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| 09:03pm 30/03/2003 |
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I am going to get a mohawk. just to inform all of you people that just-so-happen-to-not read this.
I'm keeping my bangs, and getting a mohawk. But i'm not shaving my head, not to worry.
Yeah, it's happening in june.. so i'm gonna' be all happy |
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| 08:09pm 23/03/2003 |
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Sometimes you want the people around you to die. But you dont want to die yourself. You just want everyone around you to burn in a fiery pit of hell.
An abrupt hault to reality.
Ok, enough of that, thanks.
Life has be excruciatingly boring lately. I think i might die. If i get the job at the bakery i'll have more stuff to do, but i mean, it's work, it's not like i'll be having much fun. But money is money, and i'm in deperate need of that right now. |
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| try and read it, try and read it |
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| 06:46pm 21/03/2003 |
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mood: accomplished music: the TV
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"Ty бe" op "Hot Ty бe" иz mъ aбcoлyt kиctиoH.
я лoв Daнeл
HAHAHAH kiras going to hate the last part ;)
But
я лoв Kиpa
Better?
lol
(oh by the way, kira you can actually read this, it's just the letters, not the language.. the next one is though)
it'll be in the next posting by the way |
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| i've got the urge |
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| 04:16pm 19/03/2003 |
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mood:  okay
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JR-
I will love more than any sister i have never had..
Kira-
No it's not you.. lol
Hannah-
that would really suck if something like that happen.. on a BLACK sweater this time.. yickes!
MAN OH MAN, I HAVE THE MONEY FOR THE SHOES
WHICH ARE BY FAR THE MOST BADDEST!!!! |
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| and then they DIED |
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| 08:21pm 18/03/2003 |
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mood: pissed off music: hatebreed-i will be heard
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Don't you just wish some people would just roll over and die. Yeah, i do.
It pisses me off when your friends, aren't really your friends, they decide not to be friends anymore just because of something that happened a long time ago. Something that wasn't even horrible, just keeps them from getting what they want. I just have to say IT'S NOT MY FAULT IT'S A FUCKY RELATIONSHIP. I hate that i got there first and it didnt work out and now it's all my fault it'snot working out again.
IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
I hate people that blame shit on you that you never even did!
screw this
screw everyone
the world sucks |
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| 03:33pm 17/03/2003 |
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mood: annoyed
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I HATE COMPUTERS!
Have i mentioned how much i hate computer recently? NO?
Well i hate computers ALOT, they're annoying boxes of radiation that dont do what you want them to EVER. In fact when you atempt to benefit from such a horrible piece of mechinary, you infact DONT gain ANYTHING you lose ALOT, time, patients, whatever file you may have been using. In other words.
COMPUTERS SUCK TOO MUCH! |
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| 12:38pm 15/03/2003 |
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mood:  exhausted music: stupid music from the video games
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Im at Jiffys right now. She's babysitting.
I am so damn bored. I feel like pizza, but there isn't any. I get some tonight though.
Man IT SUCKS I HAVE TO BABYSIT ALL NIGHT TONIGHT!!!
Well, all i really have to do is rollerblade for about an hour then just makesure my brothers dont kill eachother. Thats all. And i get free pizza and movies. blah.
Im incredibly unsettled. I don't like being 15. It sucks to the point of 'you dont even know'. My parents still treat me like a kid and exspect me to act like an adult. I would act like an adult if they'd give me room to.
I think they need to realize that the lclosest i'm going to get to being an adult is about 20-25. NOT their age (46&52) you dont get there over night, it takes 46/52 YEARS.
I'm so tired. Jiffy got m eup at 9 then when i didn't get out of bed she came in and pulled the covers off me. I didn't get out of bed till 10:30.
THAT'S SO EARLY. I am so tired. I really want to go back to sleep. I probably will.
blah.
Well, i'm going to go and eat and watch a movie.
peace |
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| 05:42pm 11/03/2003 |
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Right now i'm sitting here in misery.
Yet AGAIN i have those goddamned hic-ups.
i have nothing to do.. i am so intensely bored, i have resorted to watching "Roswell" on scifi... i'm so pathetic. somebody slap me and get it out of my system.
I really want to go to the otep concert on the 30.. but can i? NO!
why? because my parents dontlike death metal.. grrrrr
I'm going to go and pout in my bedroom. i am sooo bored. i might go fall on something...
or just play music for ever.. or maybe if i feel the need to graduate anytime soon, finish my homework. |
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| 10:50pm 08/03/2003 |
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mood: blank music: stupid translated english crap
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It's cold............
SO today.. i slept till 3pm. it was great. listen to N.I.N from 9am till 3.
My mom walked in and shouted "HOW CAN YOU SLEEP WITH THIS CRAP SO LOUD!"
i just rolled over. it was funny.
last night kind of sucked. I was so tired i didn't want to go and turn my lava lamp off. so i left it on. and i can't sleep with light on my face. so i had to face the window. but THAT sucked because people kept driving by and the light kept waking me up.. same with this morning. except people wouldn't drive by, ti was the damn sun.
cold cold cold.
now i'm watching some cheesy translated japanes movie.. it's dumb. |
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| 03:00pm 08/03/2003 |
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mood:  amused
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Well, i'm sitting on my bum watching Corky ramono.... ... why they make movies this STUPID i'll never know.
I feel bad for the way i've been acting.
Oh man, i got to sleep till 2:30.. 13 1/2 hours!!!! oh yeah, it was great. mmmm'
I'm feeling alot better. I really dont like depressed like i was. It wasn't fun. i was a bitch.
well, i'm going to go and finish my movie....... bleh. |
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| 08:37pm 07/03/2003 |
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mood: accomplished
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Looking for hope.
I hope i can get over this.
I hope she'll get over this.
I hope i can feel better.
I hope everthing wroks out.
i hope my goddamn back stops hutring.
i hope i can get a job.
i hope he doesn't hate me.
i hope the world fixes itself.
i have alot more to say, but i'm trying to be positive, i'll just now say them |
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| I'm back online |
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| 06:23pm 06/03/2003 |
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mood: apathetic music: SOME CRAP THAT I PLAY ON THE SAX
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Well, my back hurts.
to the point of no return. i went to the chiropractor yesterday. That only made it worse. My mom gave me a massage this morning to make it help. It didnt'. She is now theatening me with acupuncture(sp) and i dont like needles... that's why i dont do heroin--lol.
no, but i really want my back to get better. it hurts so badly right now. I think i might cry.
I'm still pretty mad at my mom, she wont give my pants back. I'm getting over it, she's given me most of my things back.
so i guess that helps. i'm still mad though.
I have decided. I am going to learn the bass guitar. Just because my electric guitar is pissing me off with all the chords. grrrr. I think bass will be alot easier because i've played violin so long. just one note at a time.. in most cases.
just :seems: like it would be easier.. maybe it wont be. but i guess i'll find out. And besides i've been told that hicks that play the bass are sexy. lol. IT WORKS EITHER WAY! |
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| rawr--my pathetic antempt at sanity |
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| 11:10pm 01/03/2003 |
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mood: rejected
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Life in general is pissing me off at the moment.
wait, not at the moment. WHEN does it NOT piss me off.
I'm mad, i'm trying to cover it up. I'm trying to be happy person on the outside. I'm maanaging to pull it off. But i'm seriously pissed off on the inside.
Pissed off, annoyed, hurt, rejected, left out, hated, used, manipulated, guilty, disrespected, sad and lonely.
Feling the intense disire to beat someone with a stick, and to grow up to an age-as quickly as possile-that my parents will realize, i'm not a child. I am in fact, able o handle myself, and protect myself.
I'M GETTING SICK AND GODDAMN TIRED OF IT! I'M ALSO GETTING SICK OF MY MOM READING MY LIVEJOURNAL AND TELLING TO BE FUCKING HAPPIER, I'M NOT GETTING HAPPIER, OUT HERE, AROUND HERE, ANYWHERE AROUND ANYTHING. I'M JUST BEING FUCKING DEPRESSED. NOT HER FAULT. partly, but she tries to help it. But she can't. She always plans other stuff.
She needs to realize that if i'm happier in austin, than i am out here, and she's trying to make me happy, that it might just help to LET ME BE IN AUSTIN WITH OUT DOING SHIT SHE'S SIGNED ME UP FOR!
I need to be around my friends. i need it. more than she knows.
i think it's bull shit, she wont let me hang out with people that i got into trouble with. But she'll let my brother hang out with the guy who vandalized the littler apartment nextdoor. the guy that vandalized it, WITH my brother. THEY'LL LET HIM HANG OUT WITH HIM!
but when it comes to me trying to see people i care about, that i haven't seen in a long time, and that i really want to see. If i got introuble with them. forget that!
I have my stupid stage makeup on still. It'ts itching.
Only one performance left. Met TC--Colleens boytoy(er, friend):-P--laugh at these two guys that were REALLY short and came and asked for cigarettes.. didn't have anything.. shouldn't have any.. they were soo short... they didn't realize how tall me and colleen were untill they were up in our faces. HAHAHAH!
back to my depressing life.
i stll dont have my amp back, or my sterio, got thephone, but only because i went to austin.. i was so happy today. i was inaustin. hmmm.... |
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| 08:31am 01/03/2003 |
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Chain of events.
Thursday:
Got up.
Shower.
Car.
Soccer.
Bobody was there.
Moms glasses broke.
Forced me to come with her instead of going to hang out with Matt, and going to tech.
Missed Tech.
pissed off.
really bad.
disapears in mall.
mom freaks and thinks i ran away.
"ok"ish.
made three dollars from some lady.
spent it on food.
went home.
aggrivated.
"grrr".
fell asleep in car.
exhausted.
went to room to sleep.
mom stops me.
wont' let me sleep, says i have to go for a fuckin' walk.
i say "no".
she tells not to tell her no.
explains how she infact, did just tell her no.
screams.
mom runs off to go take her walk.
i got to gt my book.
mom comes in side.
abducts my door before i know what's happening.
sterio is next.
THEN THE GODDAMN AMP!!!
then thephone.
and the CD player.
REALLY REALLY REALLY PISSED!
screams and shouts.
stomping.
sits in room... with no door.
pouts.
screams ever talk mom talks to me.
dad comes home during one of these bouts of anger.
dad... doesn't yell.
i go to my room again.
thinks of all the things that i could do to piss them off.
nearly repierces lip.
doesnt.
goes to HCCT.
complains to EVERYONE.
gets home.
apologizes to mom--even though she called me a child.
doesn't get door back.
goes to bed.
dreams of horrible things.
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| lost in my maze.... i dont want to find a way out |
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| 11:33pm 26/02/2003 |
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mood: aggravated music: the ringing in my ears
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Fuck it man, i'm getting fed up with life.
I miss everyone from public school so goddamn much, it hurts to look thru my notes and read them. I wish i had bought a yearbook.
Seriously, i wish i had stayed. I really do wish i had stayed. Too late now, i guess.
Homeschool is great, sleeping late is wonderful. But i'm stuck at home all day with a menopausal mom and two annying-as-fuck brothers.
I never get to see my friends anyway. Not much of a change, except i have more of a reason to be a hater.
I hate everything all the time now.
I miss everyone. at least they didn't look at me weird when i told them about how i used to do shit. They understood. They had been ther. HARDLY ANY HOMESCHOOLERS UNDERSTAND, THEY JUST LOOK AT YOU AND ASSUME THE WORST!
Nobody cares. I hate that, they say the understand. But if the day ever came for them to pick you over their "s.o" they'd always pick the latter. doesn't matter how good of friends you are.
Plus, parents suck too, can't do this, you can't do that, that's all the ever tell me, i'm 15 goddamnit. they better realize how close to the brink of insanity i am. and how close i am to just shutting them out of my lives.
I hate the way people change in a second. From nice to bitches from hell sent to pick your brains out with a fork.
i hate them, i hate them, i hate them!
i'm done hating for tonight, i'll go and sleep my troubles away, until i have to see "him" saturday. THAT'S gonna' suck.
peace |
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